As a mum and psychotherapist, here’s what I’d tell my younger self about friendships…
If I could go back and speak to my younger self, I’d tell her that friendships change, that people grow, and sometimes they grow in different directions.
Growing up, I thought friendships needed to be forever. I held on tightly, even when something in me knew the connection was shifting. I didn’t yet understand that people grow at different rhythms, and sometimes the kindest thing we can do, for ourselves (and others) is to let those shifts happen without blame or shame.
I’d tell her she doesn’t need to hold on so tightly. Not every friend is meant to stay forever. Some people will walk with you for a few years, teach you something important, and then life will naturally move you apart, and you don’t need to fight this.
I’d remind her that the right friendships won’t make her feel small, anxious, or like she has to prove her worth. The friendships that matter will feel steady. They’ll feel like you can show up as yourself, shy, messy, unsure, anxious, and still feel welcome.
I’d tell her that it’s normal to outgrow people, and it’s normal to feel sad about that. It's all just part of becoming who you are.
I’d also tell her that adult friendships look different than the ones she imagines in her teens. When you’re a parent or juggling work and life, you won’t have endless time or energy. But you won’t always need constant contact to stay close to someone. What matters is how you feel when you’re together, not how often you meet.
Most of all, I’d tell her to notice who shows up. Notice who listens. Notice who makes space for her, not just the version of her that’s convenient.
And I’d finish with this:
The friendships that stay will stay because they fit the person you’re becoming. Letting go of the rest is making room for relationships that feel good, honest, safe, and mutual.
What really matters is not the number of friendships you keep, but the quality of the ones that remain. And I think she’d breathe a little easier hearing that. Perhaps you needed to hear this today, too.
